It’s night like these where I’m too tired to overthink and I just ponder about how life ended up like how it did.
Always thankful for the chances I get for the people I meet, the places I go and all the memories made.
I overreact and express my emotions too openly… I let people in that I shouldn’t. Say things I shouldn’t. Do things I really know I shouldn’t. I trust people that I thought could be trusted. It becomes he-said-she-said and nothing was ever meant the way it was supposed to mean. My concerns becomes bitching. My caring becomes shit talking. I’m not saying it’s other people’s faults, I’m saying I should just stop caring so much in general since other’s take my feelings as gossip.
I am a contradiction.
I have an ideal of what kind of person I strive to be but I always realize when I try, I can never change who I really am. I am ultimately shaped by my past actions, reactions, thoughts and experiences.
Something happened in class today that was just thought provoking for me. My friend asked me why I wasn’t paying attention in class and was typing so much in a facebook message. I passed her a note describing a situation that was going on and she passed me back a note saying,
“You’re so sweet, always caring for others making sure they don’t get hurt.”
I had to read that over a few times because I had forgotten that anyone thought of me that way. That’s what I am. I’m a softie and I go out of my way to make others happy all the time.
When you’re sad, I’m sad. When you’re happy, my mission is complete.
Yeah, I rarely care about myself but when I do I’m the most selfish person. I might not show it, but inside I know it.
Then it triggered something that someone asked me before,
“How do you live the lifestyle that you are when you are like this?”
You know, how do I? How is it possible for someone like me who always puts others before myself… to be able to be so detached from some yet so attached to others?
Because. It is impossible. How could I separate the two? The emotional and the physical. I am not capable of it but I pretend like I can.
It’s the reality of it all that gets me down.
I could tell myself that I’d be okay if I found out everything was a lie. That I’d understand if you moved onto someone else, found them more captivating and more deserving of your attention. But the reality of it all is that I do miss you and I crave you. That the possibilities of anything, even seeing you again, is less than zero. So I’ll be honest, it pains me to know.
The reality of it all is that…
I can always try to be the person I want to be but I will always be myself.
- Pacemaker: How are you doing?
- Me: Mmmm alright.
- Pacemaker: Alright? What is it? Boys?
- Me: LOL. I don't get boy problems.
- Convention 2012
- Kato: Yo, that guy last night. Gay lang jai ga... ok ga...(He's pretty good looking, he's aight) Yee, you should go for it.
- Me: But he's not my type.
- Kato: No seriously, he's not bad.
- Me: Iunno ... he's really not -
- Kato: OK GA.
- Last night at Halftime's
- Kato: You still talk to the people you met at convention?
- Me: Yeeeeeee.
- Kato: What about [Anon]
- Me: Yeeeeeeeeeee.
- Kato: How does he look like? Picture.
- Me: ...... YOU TOLD ME HE WAS LANG JAI AND YOU TOLD ME TO GO FOR IT....
- Kato: Yo, I was drunk I don't remember shit. -scrolls through his phone cause I used it in Texas- Do you still talk to [Anon2]?
- Me: Who what
- Kato: [Anon3]
- Me: I don't remember him
- Kato: [Anon4]
- Me: Nope.. OH WAIT... oh wait no. No. I don't.
- Kato: [Anon5]
- Me: ... I don't remember. Pluzz stop. LOL.
I’ve got so much on my mind but not so much to say. I can talk to you about superficial things, things that wouldn’t matter a year later, but all these thoughts I just want to run them by myself. I don’t need people to criticize my dreams, my hopes and my future. I know it’ll happen, I’m just scared.
I’ve never been much of a leader. I always took orders and just complained a bit on the side. Finally I feel like I’m in control of my own life. I’ve been doing research on how to finally get my seemingly unrealistic dreams in action. I don’t ever really know what I want. I try to never regret anything I do, even the stupidest of mistakes or impulses. This time though, I can see it. Maybe it’ll take another year or two until I finally get everything together in order to get this, but this would be what I want. My own place, a job that I love, a school that makes me want to know more. I know I’d be leaving a lot behind, I’d be missing a lot of people, but I want to find myself.
Another school year is about to start. It’s crazy how fast time passes by when you’re not really looking forward to anything during the day. Always consumed by the tasks at hand. Most of my friends have already graduated and man, I don’t even know where to start when they’ve already got their future underway. In a few years, my friends would be getting engaged, married and (oh lord) popping things out. I know people who date now actually thinking of the one they’re with as the one they’re going to marry. I don’t know if I just don’t want to grow up and I’m afraid of the future or if I’m just not someone who is ready for commitment of the sort.
People come into your life, leave marks and go. Everyone leaves in the end. We are in this place alone. So stop spending so much time trying to convince others of why you should be here and make yourself believe that you were put here for a reason. Leave a mark on others.